| He Really Knows His Bible A pastor search committee was looking at a certain young preacher as prospect for their pastor, so the folks in the committee asked the preacher to tell them a Bible story in his own words to see how well he knew the Bible, so the young man told them the following: “The prodigal son went down to Jericho and fell upon stony ground and the thorns sprang up and choked him half to death – The next morning Solomon and his wife Gomorrah came down the road and had compassion upon him and bound up his wounds pouring on oil and giving him wine for his stomach’s sake – Then they put him on their donkey and took him down to the ark for Moses to take care of – And as they were going through the Eastern Gate to enter the ark his hair got caught on a limb and he hung up there for forty days and forty nights and afterwards he was a hungered – Then ravens came to him and brought bread and fed him as he sat by the Brook Kidron. The next morning three wise men named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego came by and took him down to the boat dock where they caught a boat sailing to Nineveh – As he approached that great city he saw that wicked woman Delilah sitting on the city wall – He said unto those who were with her, chunk her down boys – And they said, how many times shall we chunk her down, times seven? And he said, nay, but I say unto thee, seventy times seven! So they chunked her down from the wall 490 times. And she burst asunder in the midst and all her bowels gushed out – They picked up the fragments thereof, twelve baskets full – And they said unto him from the wall “in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?” The search committee sat there for a while, didn’t say a word, but finally the chairman of the committee said, “Well, I think we should recommend that he be called for pastor. I know he’s young; but he really knows his Bible!” Bubba And The Gator There was a rich man in North Carolina and he decided that he wanted to throw a party, so he invited all of his buddies and neighbors, and he also invited Bubba, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Bubba was having a good time yelling, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the rich man said, "I have a 10 foot, man eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool! Bubba was poking that gator in the eye, throwing punches, doing head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Martial Arts expert. The water was churning and splashing everywhere, but Bubba finally beat the gator and climbed out of the pool. The rich man says, "Well, Bubba, I guess I owe you a million dollars." "No, I don’t want the money," said Bubba, “I just want to know who it was that pushed me in the pool! The Ugliest Baby A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." The Baby Worm Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm." "No, she isn't," said Timmy. "Why not?" said the mother. "Because I ate her first!" Barney On My Underpants Four year-old Tanya was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor examined her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my underpants." Really Gave It To Them Today Each Sunday after the sermon and invitation time as the brothers and sisters were leaving the church, one fellow, Brother Jones would always shake the pastor’s hand and say: “Pastor, you really gave it to them today”. After a few weeks of this the pastor was starting feel bad for the brother because he felt he was blind to sin in his own life, therefore he felt judgmental towards the others. One Sunday morning a snow storm had been so bad that the only one that showed up for church was Brother Jones. The preacher thought “boy I’ve really got him where I want him now”! When it was time the pastor preached like he’d never preached before knowing that there would be no mistake today since Brother Jones was the only one there. When the sermon was over and it was time to go home; Brother Jones shook the pastor’s hand and said: “Good sermon pastor, if they had been here, you would have really gave it to them today”! |
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